


Plenty of Fish in the Sea

by inkpink



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cronus Works At Sonic, Cyndi Lauper, Eridan is a mess, F/M, Fish Entrails, Grocery Store Sushi, High School Musical Mention, Judgemental Cronus, Minimum Wage, SeaWorld, crackfic, drug mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 06:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6107505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkpink/pseuds/inkpink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Eridan is lonely and works at SeaWorld and Feferi is literally a dolphin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Feferi Peixes was Eridan’s dream girl. Excitable, friendly, beautiful, and always willing to listen to his problems. She called to him like a siren on the rocks, and his dreams were filled with her distinct, oceanic aroma. Feferi always smelled like a mix of that overpriced sea salt hair texturizer and grocery store sushi. It was bliss.

There was but one problem. Feferi Peixes wasn’t actually a girl, nor was she a boy.

Feferi Peixes was a porpoise.

This fact, however, did not dissuade Eridan from seeking his bottle-nosed beauty. If anything, the star-crossed quality of their relationship served to further fan the flames of his burning passion for her.

He made sure to reward her with extra fish after every successful trick, and daydreamed about kidnapping her - er, eloping with her - to somewhere they could truly be together. Somewhere like his 40-by-30 bathtub.

For Feferi, Eridan would jump through thousands of those brightly-colored hoops. Maybe even a flaming one.

“Isn’t she lovely?” he sighed to his brother one sunny afternoon. Said brother, a John Travolta clone with hair greasier than his pick-up lines, pursed his lips.

“Who? The dolphin?”

“More like _doll_ phin, if you ask me,” Eridan murmured.

Cronus laughed nervously.

“No, I mean- You can’t possibly be talking about the aquatic mammal over there, with fins and what-have-you. Right chief? ”

His question was met with uncomfortable silence.

“Oh, c’mon Eridan!” he groaned. “She’s literally a fish.”

Eridan glared spitefully at his brother, who had always been a capitalist tool. For fin’s sake, the guy worked at Sonic! It didn’t get more corrupt than that.

“I _love_ her,” he replied.

In the weeks that followed, Eridan grew even more distant. He spent as much time as he could with his beloved sea princess. No one helped him to unload baggage like she did.

“It’s okay, Erifin,” she chittered in her high, bubbly voice. “You deserve so much more than that badass and financially successful Vriska.”

“I know,” he moaned. “It’s hard, Fef. No one understands what it’s like when the love a’ your life can’t leave her wading pool.”

Feferi winked slyly at him.

“How do you think I feel, Grumpygills? _My_ love can’t stand in two feet of water without tripping and risking death!”

Her tone was playful, but Eridan, as usual, took everything literally and got offended.

“You’re the one tripping if you think water’s more hospitable than land,” he grumbled.

The 300-pound _Tursiops truncatus_ looked him straight in the face.

“I’m a dolphin, Erifin. We can’t do hallucinogens.”

“Oh.” He paused for a minute. “Really?”

“Yep. I’ve tried.”

They sat in silence until a familiar lisping jerked him from his thoughts.

“Hey, you! Weirdo talking to the dolphin!” the underpaid manager foamed at him.

“Ugh, _you again_ ,” Eridan whined.

The manager sighed. His yellow shirt was covered in chlorinated water and fish entrails. His hair stank of sweat. Even the laminated edges of his plastic name tag, the one that read “ **SOLLUX CAPTOR** ” in big black type, were peeling at the corners.

“This isn’t High School Musical, Purple Hair. Stop stewing and go feed the penguins.”

“If it’s not High School Musical, then why are you callin’ me Purple Hair?” Eridan sputtered. “I have a name!”

Sollux shrugged, and began to flip through his clipboard.

Eridan gazed defiantly at the horizon.

“ _She_ knows my name.”

Sollux looked up from his mess of papers.

“What?”

Eridan pointed a shaking, beringed finger at the water’s surface.

“Feferi.”

“The dolphin?”

“Yes, the dolphin. The love of my life, the moon in my stars, the cape to my scarf, the Seahorse to my da-”

“How many more of these metaphors are you going to make?” Sollux interrupted.

“I dunno, I was just feelin’ the scene!” Eridan griped.

Sollux rubbed at his temples.

His own temples, not Eridan’s. Eridan’s temples stayed pure and far away, never to give into the temptation of being rubbed in such a manner.

“Okay, I get that you’re crazy, I get that you’re upset, I kind of get that you have a crush on a dolphin, but what I don’t get is why it all had to happen during my shift!” he cried, tossing his clipboard to the ground in indignance.

“Uh.”

“ _What?_ ” Sollux demanded.

“I’ve loved her for a long time. Since I’ve been workin’ at this fine establishment.” Eridan’s foot had begun to tap to the exact rhythm of Cyndi Lauper’s iconic Girls Just Want to Have Fun. “And been upset. That too,” he added.

“Listen Purple Hair, you’ve had this job for two days,” Sollux said.

“Well, you’ve been bein’ a dick for the past five minutes!” Eridan exclaimed.

“I…” Sollux flipped frantically through his clipboard. “Eridan, you’re fired.”

Eridan couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He wept bitterly, like a golddigger finding out that her dead husband’s fortune was a bluff. This job was all he had! Without it, he’d be forced to move back to Malibu with his dad, doomed to wear Louis Vuitton instead of Prada. Oh, how he hated the exorbitant luxury of his past life! It was just so hard to be rich.

Sollux began to look as though he’d stumbled in on Eridan kissing one of his dads. He reached a clammy, nail-bitten hand forwards to comfort him, but Eridan shied from his touch.

“I can’t, Sol- I can’t go back to seeing Will Smith every time I want some frozen yogurt!” he sobbed.

“What does that even mean?” Sollux attempted, but his words were drowned out by Eridan’s snotty wails.

The distraught boy backed further away, his blue and purple bowling shoes drawing dangerously close to the edge of the pool.

From the shadows of the water, a dark shape emerged. Feferi the dolphin sprung up from the depths of the pool like a well-oiled spring, or maybe a torpedo. Her usual clueless smile had been replaced by an expression of undeniable malice. She dragged Eridan, thrashing, to the bottom, reaching max speeds of over 2,000 miles per second. Eridan screamed, but alas, no one could hear him.

Then Feferi ate him.

From the top of the tank, Sollux gave an evil laugh.

“Yes, FF. Perfect.”

He hurriedly unzipped his human skin to reveal a grey tail, flippers, and a distinct bottle nose. With one last triumphant glance at the stripey, bloodstained scarf lying abandoned on the concrete, he dove to the bottom to rejoin his queen.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As if SeaWorld wasn't corrupt enough.


End file.
